The
fall is my favorite time of year to be here. I think it is the most beautiful
during this time. The yellow grass I lay in turns golden in the sun, and the
trees dress in beautiful shades of orange and red, reflecting the sunlight as
if they were made of silk. I close my eyes and use my senses to discern the
world around me. The soft, cool breeze feels like velvet as it moves across my
sun kissed skin, sending chills to my spine as every hair on my body stands on
end. The tall grass folded beneath me that has been warmed by the sun, in turn
warms my body, as I lay prostrate on the ground beneath the cloudless blue sky.
I inhale the bold, sweet aroma of the earth; each scent brings to my mind a
different memory of this field.
I feel your presence settle in the grass
next to me, but I do not open my eyes.
“I
knew you would find me here.” I whisper softly with a smile on the edge of my
lips.
“On
a day like today, where else would you be?” you answered.
My
mind flashes back to that hot summer before our first year of high school where
we spent almost every day in this field, cooling our feet in the creek that
runs along the bottom of the hill. I remember how I blushed when you removed
your shirt to swim, and I saw the hardened strands of muscles on your back for
the first time. The sun turned your blonde hair to gold, and the reflection
from the water made your blue eyes dance. I realized how beautiful you were and
was mesmerized by you. I sat on the bank of the creek staring, but you seemed
oblivious to my gawking. I hid my red cheeks in my hands so you would not see
them and know of the affect you had on me.
I did not know I had the same affect on
you until weeks later, when one night we came out here and built a fire down by
the creek. You had been acting strange and distant all that afternoon but would
not tell me why. I tried to hide the fact that this bothered me, but eventually
I could no longer hold my tears back. Like a child throwing a tantrum, I yelled
at you in my girly, high-pitched voice. I told you that you were impossible and
called you a jackass. I intended to storm off, but as I turned to leave, you
trapped me by throwing a blanket around me, like I was in a straight jacket. I
screeched and threw a tantrum while you held the blanket around me until I was
tired and out of breath. You brought me closer to your chest, looked me
straight in the eyes and blurted out that you loved me. I stood there in
shocked silence at your blunt confession until you leaned down and kissed me. At
which point I jerked away, struggling against the blanket and yelled at you
again for trapping me against my will. You just laughed and silenced my
protests with another kiss, which I did not fight.
A tear escapes from beneath my lashes,
runs silently across my cheek and drops off into the grass. In those memories
we were still strangers to each other. Our young love consumed and excited us.
Now with lines of wrinkles appearing on my forehead below the sprouting grey
roots of my auburn hair, and with eyes that have dulled in color, I am not the
vision I was in my youth. But you have not aged a day in my mind; your beauty
is as compelling to me now as it ever was.
“What are you thinking about?” you ask
me.
“About
all the memories that we have in this field.”
“Do
you want to know my favorite memory?” With eyes still closed, I smile and nod
in response.
“The
night when we came out here after graduation and I asked you to marry me. Do
you remember?”
More
tears begin to bubble up under my closed eyelids. Of course I remember that
night. We snuck away from our families after our graduation ceremony to come
out here. You had to carry me because my high heels kept sinking to the ground
and I was afraid to walk barefoot in the dark. We found our way to the grassy
hill in the middle of the field and held one another while we watched the
twinkling lights above us. I remember the gentle way your hand cupped my face,
as you looked into my eyes and told me you wanted me in your life forever. With
tears running down over my smile I told you that I wanted that too, and you
slipped your class ring on my finger; in that moment I knew I would love you
forever.
My
hand reaches up to the chain around my neck, and pulls out the same ring you
gave me from beneath my shirt. I run my fingers over the cool, engraved metal
circle. People often tell me that it is strange that I wear my high school
class ring on a chain around my neck. I usually shrug them off, not offering
them an explanation for my fondness of this talisman.
“I
never take it off, you know?” I assure you.
“I
know. I always feel close to your heart because of it.”
“This
was the only piece of you I had for awhile.” My voice fills with emotion and I
can speak no longer as a vision from the day you enlisted floats into my mind. I have a duty to my country you kept
repeating, begging me to understand your decision. For days all I could do was
cry. Not understanding how you could want to leave me or where this desire to
join to army had come from. We had plans. In two years we would be graduating
from college and we could finally get married and start our family. We were
going to buy the land where the field is and build a big white house on the
north side of the creek. You promised me that we still would have everything we
dreamed of and planned. Our wedding will
be on the first day of my return. Do you trust me? I told you that I did,
and ceased my crying.
I vividly remember the day you left for
your first tour. You had to pry my arms off from around your neck so you could
join the rest of your unit on the plane. With your body no longer there to
support me I fell to my knees and watched with blurry eyes as you walked away
from me to fulfill your duty. I knew that you had promised to write me often,
but the 3 months it took for your first letter to arrive were the hardest months
of my life. I wrote to you more
often than you wrote me, wanting to tell you every trivial detail of my life,
from the Spanish test I failed to the number of times I honked my horn on my
way to work in the morning. I cherished each of the letters that you sent me.
Reading them over and over again until I memorized every line. The last line of
each letter you wrote: dream of me
tonight at the foot of our hill in the field, I will meet you there. And I
did meet you there, every night for a year.
“Your
face is full of sadness.” Your voice pulls me back to the present time. I hear
myself wearily provide an explanation for my expression.
“I
did not know that the day you left for your tour would be the last time I would
see you.”
My
top and bottom eyelashes are matted together with tears dried from the cold
night wind, keeping my eyes sealed. I do not think I have any more tears left
in me tonight. If I did I would be sobbing uncontrollably at the memory of
opening my front door to the soldiers in their dress uniforms telling me that
you had been killed in action, just two weeks before you were to return and
marry me.
I hear a voice shouting in the distance,
pulling me out of my mournful memories and I feel your presence slipping away
from me.
“It
is almost time for me to leave.” I say to you. “I can hear them searching for
me.”
“I
know. I will always be here waiting for you.” Your voice assures me.
“Mom!” I hear the voice in the distance
growing closer.
“I
will come back.” I promise.
“Mommy,
are you sleeping?” The voice is right above me, and my long closed eyes spring
open; your presence is completely gone now. I am greeted by the face of a
younger version of myself standing over me with a wide smile showing off her
two missing front teeth.
“No
my dear, I was just dreaming.” I answer the little girl as I take her in my
arms. I look past her to see a tall man, with dark hair and kind green eyes. He
extends a hand out to me and on his ring finger is a gold wedding band that
matches the one on my finger. I take his hand and he helps me to my feet. They
do not know of the memories this field holds for me or the reason that I come
here so often. I will never tell them of you; I do not wish to share your memory,
for it is mine alone. That is all you are now, just a memory, a dream that
lives on in this field.
“You
know how your mother loves to day dream in the fields.” He tells the little
girl as he takes her out of my arms, swinging her around as she giggles in
delight to be in the arms of her father. I watch them as they head back toward
our house on the north side of the creek. Before I follow them, I turn back to
the open field where I was just laying, and once again close my eyes searching
for your presence.
“I
forgot to tell you something.” I feel you around me once again. “I love you
Michael. I’ll meet you in my dreams.” I whisper into the wind.
“I
love you, Jane. Forever.” The wind whispers back and disappears beyond the
trees.
I
smile with eyes open and turn to follow my family to our house on the north
side of the creek.
